I actually like Matt Dillon, I think he's a decent actor, but like every other celebrity, he's a fucking moron.

He was at Vermont last night, and he decided it was a good idea to play being Dominic Toretto.

State Police say they clocked Dillon, 44, driving 106 mph on Interstate 91 in Newbury, The posted speed was 65. They arrested Dillon, processed him, and released him on a citation for excessive speed. He is due in Orange District Court Jan. 21.

One of my turkeys was in the area, and he reports Dillon was furious! He started to complain about how neither Britney Spears or Nick Hogan got severely punished by their own infractions, even though Hogan left a guy in coma. "I'm not even drunk, and I'm an Oscar winner!" he said. To which the cop responded, while raising an eyebrow: "This is Vermont, sir, and nobody outside Hollywood gives a fuck about celebrity status".

Then the turkey proceded to run around, making turkey noises, and when he got their attention, he dramatically pointed at Dillon and yelled "You've been served, asshole!"

True story, I couldn't make this shit up.

After yesterday's weirdness, where I sounded like a whiny little bitch, or worse, like a whinier, gayer version of Chris Crocker (Leave Heath alone! *sob*) I am now back at full force.

As a nice way to apologize, I bring you an awesome four minute preview of "Watchmen", thanks to MySpace. Holly fuck this movie looks amazing, if the release date is delayed because of Fox, I swear, I'll do something drastic. Like, lighting up a paper bag with dog shit in it, then ring on their doorbell and run away.

I know, I'm a monster.


Watchmen Exclusive

I've been pondering whether to post this or not all day. I decided not to, but now I have booze on me. So I changed my mind.

It seems like Robert Pattinson was at an unnamed comedy club, and an unnamed comedian made a joke about Heath Ledger. This has all been reported by an unnamed witness. I'll just quote a random source, it doesn't matter which one because they are all quoting the same:

"The comedian on stage is said to have simulated Heath convulsing on the floor—in reference to the alleged overdose he took in January earlier this year. Robert and his pals immediately began booing and yelling at the distasteful routine. Onlookers say the boys shouted, 'F**k you! You suck! Leave Heath Ledger alone!'"

In case you didn't notice, there's quite a few things that are wrong here. First of all, who the fuck is the comedian? He deserves a serious beating and possibly castration, we don't want douche bags like this one procreating. Bill O'Reilley? sure, he can spawn children, his kin would be hilarious.

Second, are we really supposed to believe that some asshole comedian made such a stupid joke and only Patterson and his friends reacted that way? Seriously?

Fuck that, this smells like a publicity stunt. Heath Ledger was pretty popular within the teenager community, and right now, the stupid bitches are wetting their panties for this Patterson guy because of "Twilight". How awesome would it be if the new hunk defends the late one. Right?

Main difference? Heath Ledger was an actor, not a celebrity, not a teen idol. Fuck you Patterson.

Note: If this proves to be true I'll eat my words. Plus, I'm very sorry for the lack of humor today, I'm moody. If i was a woman I'd have an excuse, but I'm not. I think.
Oh, no, I can see my penis alright, I'm not a woman.

I'll be myself again tomorrow, promise.

Mickey Rourke is pretty bananas, there's no news in that. Luckily for us, his shannanigans this week took him to a whole different level of coockiness. You see, both him and Sean Penn are favorites for the upcoming Oscars season, and Mickey doesn't think Sean deserves it. So he's been trashing his performance in "Milk", even through text messages.

The Daily Beast says:

On December 28, a Los Angeles entertainment honcho shared a text message with me that Rourke had sent him: “Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno" [sic]

There's a couple facts here. First of all, Mickey can't type for shit. Second, even though he is an actor, he doesn't know that acting means pretending. But then it hit me, I know what this whole thing is about:

You see, he's calling Penn an homophobe, even though, , not too long ago, the one using the word "faggot" was him. Then, I was looking at his pictures and I realized something: Nobody looks that deformed unless they are using prosthetics.

Look closer, can't you see it? Sean Penn is Mickey Rourke in disguise. If anyone can pull it off, that's him. What an asshole, he's doing all this because he doesn't want his alter-ego to win the prize. It's like if people wanted to praise Bruce Wayne for fighting crime, Batman would be pissed!

• So the news about Zooey Deschanel was incorrect. She's engaged alright, but not to Hunter Burgan. The lucky douchebag is Ben Gibbard, or as I like to call him: Where's Waldo. Seriously, just picture him in a red attire.
  

Fuck it, I'm over her anyways.

• E! Online says Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are not getting a divorce after all. Since that makes the news absolutelly boring and I hate her fucking mug, I'll post that scientology video I mentioned. I know I'm late for Christmas, but whatever. Enjoy it, it's actually quite funny.
  

The first trailer for "Street Fighter: The legend of Chun-Li" is out, and even though I can't understand shit because it's in Japanese, I can already tell it will suck. I personally think it's worse than the Dragon Ball trailer.

Anyways, who was the mastermind who thought Kristin Kreuk could pass as a Chinese woman?. And to the guy who figured a Las Vegas boxer should run around with a bazooka, you sir, are a genius.

Well, at least it can't be worse than the first one.

Giorgio Armani is on vacation at Saint Bart's, Saint Barth or whatever you spell the name of the place. Nothing important here, except that the old man has no shame, and this proves an old theory of mine:

If you're over 40, you shouldn't be showing any skin. There should be a law about it, like in some Muslim countries, where women can't even show their faces. Except that it would be for old people.

If you're into gay necrophilia or something similar, there's high quality pictures at Just Jared.com

Unbelievable, I was stretching the posts, so I could post a scientology video because I didn't want to make it seem as if Tom Cruise is all I can talk about. But the crazy midget is at the news again.

Sources close to the star, a leading Scientologist, say the threats are believed to have come from groups opposed to the religious organisation.

The couple now live at separate locations and move around in bomb-proof vehicles.

Last week Cruise attended the Los Angeles premiere of the movie, which was targeted by protesters from the anti-Scientology group Anonymous. He has been forced to increase security around his family since then.

'The threats are perceived to be so great that the FBI has been alerted,’ said a source.

FBI? bomb-proof vehicles? Seriously?! I thought Tom was like an OT two thousand or something like that, he can move things with his mind and all kinds of other crazy shit. So why would he need all that protection?

The people at the Daily Mail are not saying Anonymous is responsible for the death threats, but they are clearly suggesting it, which is absolute bullshit. I've been following their protests -through videos of course- since the first one, and the only hints of violence have always been from Scienos. Even in videos made by the crazy cultists you can see that.

If you ask me, Tom must have been in places like IMDB and the like, and then he took joke threats as real ones. We all know the cuckoo bastard believes anything he reads.

The Daily News says Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting a divorce. The real shocker here is that Marc actually managed to stand this whore for over four years.

But lets go to the juicy part, because this is absolutely ridiculous:

“Marc and Jennifer are planning on announcing their divorce right after Marc’s show at Madison Square Garden on Feb. 14,” a friend of the couple tells us. “Jennifer is planning on joining Marc onstage for a surprise duet. Things haven’t been right for a while now, and they thought it would be a bittersweet farewell.”

So this bitch needs to make a huge show about the issue, because getting a divorce like a normal person is beneath her. It shouldn't be a surprise, she did the same when she got pregnant, plus, when Anthony made that movie about Hector Lavoe she pushed so the cameras would be on her all the time.

I swear, if this whore craved just a little more attention than she does now, she'd be hosting "American Idol" while using the Washington monument as a dildo.

Hey, it could happen, that building can totally fit in that humongous ass of hers.

According to In Touch, which I don't know if it's a reliable source, Zooey Deschanel and Hunter Burgan are now engaged. They don't go into details, but they say some friend of the couple gave the news.

This blows, Zooey is just a-do-ra-ble, in a dorky kind of way. I find dorky chicks to be extremely hot too, and now she's left me for that bozo. I mean, just look at the guy, who the fuck is he trying to be? Billy Idol?

Anyways, I guess now I'll have to aim towards banging Katy Perry, she kinda looks like Zooey but with bigger tits, so I can look forward to that.

With "Valkyrie" out, it's no surprise to see Tom Cruise all over the place, trying to promote the film. At "the Sun" however, they preferred to talk with him about other crap, and good old Tom was happy to indulge them.

Among other incredibly important topics -note the sarcasm- they discussed how great of a father he is, and how paparazzi are not a problem for his family, because it's rare for photographers to try and take snapshots of them. He's right, you know? The paparazzi are actually chasing me. Bloggers are the movie stars of the new century.

Anyways, the reason I'm posting this is because he did say something very Tom Cruiseish:

Tom grins: “I want ten children. I love kids. I feel really fortunate to have the teenagers and a two and a half-year-old. It’s a great dynamic.”

Ten children? What the fuck?! Katie Holmes isn't his wife, she's a scientologist production facility! No wonder she looks so tired all the time. Tom must be banging her stupid, while yelling "I need my clone army, the Sith Lords are coming!", or some Scientologist bullshit like that.

Yes, I'm aware using real Scientologist beliefs would've been funnier, but I have a video about them for a later post. I didn't want to be redundant.

Well, not quite. Empire Magazine has some super-duper exclusive photos of "Transformers 2", but guess what?: They suck donkey gonads.

Pyramids, Shia LaBeouf grabbing what I reckon is a Transformer's cock, and then, him running alongside Megan Fox. She's wearing far too much clothing to make these pictures interesting.

One picture here, the rest on the source. Don't even bother, after watching the pictures, staring at my pinky toe seems like the most exciting experience ever.

As you can see, we now have a very bad banner. The turkey's face is from someone named Tom -no idea about his last name-, from Visual Paradox, which you can see in all its glory right in this post.

I don't think we'll use it, but it'll work as a place holder for now; I really wanted something ridiculous as the banner. Until the person responsible for the actual graphic design decides to appear, you'll have to deal with my shitty Photoshop work.

Oh, and now you can subscribe to the RSS feed through several systems, just take a look at the right side of the site.

On a long, and very boring interview, Scarlet Johanson talked about a lot of things to British newspaper The Times. As always, she tried to sound like a down to earth person, but ended up sounding like the stuck up bitch she really is.

This bit caught my attention:

Now the aim is to ensure career longevity. It may seem a long way off, but, in one sense, she is anxious to leave her twenties – and that sex-symbol baggage – behind and get on with it. “I look forward to growing in the industry and ageing in the industry. A lot of actresses take their meatiest roles in their thirties and forties. And I’m looking forward to that. I’m at a little bit of a funny age where I get that ‘sexiest woman’ thing, and it feels like a label for right now. But maybe when I get older, it won’t be like that.”

Paraphrasing a character played by an actor who actually had acting chops: "She'll be cast out, like a leper. Dropped at the first sign of trouble". The first sign will be her tits getting saggy.

Lets be honest, if it wasn't because of her awesome body, and the fact she looks like she gives good head, we wouldn't be hearing so much about her. And more importantly, we wouldn't have had to listen to that piece of shit album she made last year.

We can only hope for a leaked sex tape before she starts whining about the lack of work.

Chyna got so drunk on her birthday, she had to be taken to the hospital at 5:00 AM last Saturday. TMZ reports:

Friends found her passed out with cuts on her arms and were so worried, they called 911. After she was taken to the hospital, doctors wanted to perform a psych evaluation, but her blood alcohol level was so high they had to wait.

I don't know what the big deal is. I have to be taken to the hospital every time we're celebrating a birthday, and you don't see me appearing on the news. I guess if I really want to make it, I'll have to look like a 6'4 tranny, it worked for her!

Proving nothing interesting happened today, the biggest news of the day is that Jennifer Aniston's new comedy, "Marley & Me" was the big winner at the box office.

The movie, about some family with a dog or some shit like that made a record $14.6 million (GBP9.9 million), beating "The curious case of Benjamin Button", a movie with Brad Pitt that actually looks interesting.
I guess Jenn can now call Brad and say: "You left me for that skank, and now my movie made three million dollars more than yours", then she can point and laugh or something similar.

As you can see from the picture, Aniston went to the premiere with Owen Wilson and Frodo Baggins. I swear, that hobbit looks like a sick pervert, just look at the way he's staring at the microphone.

In absolutelly unrelated, but just as important news: One day I was making out with a lady under a tree and a pigeon took a dump on my head. Water and a handkerchief fixed the issue.

This is actually a few days old, but since today was a slow day I decided to post it. The people at PETA are going bonkers against Nickelodeon, their site states:

"Tell Nickelodeon to stop Chimpanzee abuse

We recently learned that Nickelodeon's new holiday film, Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh, features a live chimpanzee. With so many realistic alternatives available—such as CGI, animatronics, costumes, and blue screen—there is no excuse for Nickelodeon to use live great apes in its programs.

Not only was the chimpanzee in the film portrayed in a demeaning way and even referred to as a monkey, the use of great apes in the entertainment industry is also inherently cruel. Training great apes to perform almost always includes physical abuse to ensure that the animals know "who's boss" and do as the trainer demands. In fact, the wide-toothed chimpanzee "grin" so often seen in movies and on TV is actually a grimace of fear or a carefully choreographed response to a command. By the time great apes are 8 years old—around the beginning of young adulthood—they are too strong to be safely handled and are frequently discarded in hideous roadside zoos or are warehoused in dismal, appalling conditions. PETA investigations have revealed that former "celebrity" apes were living in small cages littered with garbage and feces and denied basic necessities (like wholesome food and adequate veterinary care).

Please join us in urging Nickelodeon to follow the lead of other progressive companies—including SEGA, Honda, PUMA, Yahoo!, Keds, and others—that have already pledged never to use great apes in the future."

As always, the fucking nut jobs from PETA need to start throwing out facts they can't prove. The best part of their statement is how demeaning it is for a chimpanzee to be called a monkey. If PETA wants things done, they should hire Thade, he'll teach Nickelodeon that chimpanzees are actually apes.

In related news, I was watching porn last night and I said "I think it's time to spank the monkey". Now my penis is starting legal actions against me.

Alright fellows, I'm trying to improve the site's design, so if things start to look funky it's because of that. Hopefully this will make things look better and of course, easier to read.

This is so amazingly terrible, I can't even write a joke about it.




Holy BeJesus this bitch is annoying, and painfully unfunny. Don't worry though, there is no way people are voting it "Funny". The guys at the Funny or Die website actually do kill celebrities when they make something like this, don't they? Please, tell me they do...

Before I quote the New York Times, I'll explain it for the stupid: Fox had the rights for the franchise, they didn't want to do shit with it so they gave it to some dude. That dude sold it to Warner Bros. and now that the movie is done, Fox wants a cut from it.

Simple enough? Lets quote the fucking newspaper:

In a surprise ruling, a federal judge in Los Angeles said he intended to grant 20th Century Fox’s claim that it owns a copyright interest in the “Watchmen,” a movie shot by Warner Brothers and Legendary Pictures and set for release in March. (...)

Fox has been seeking to prevent Warner from releasing the film. The superhero adventure, based on the “Watchmen” graphic novel, is being directed by Zack Snyder (who also directed “300”) and has shaped up as one of most eagerly anticipated releases for next year.

“Fox owns a copyright interest consisting of, at the very least, the right to distribute the ‘Watchmen’ motion picture,” the ruling said.

Going back to stupid mode, this means FOX and WB need to come to an agreement, which means they will be distributing the movie together. Could I start ranting about the people at FOX being a bunch of cunts? Sure I could, but that wouldn't change anything, the movie will be coming out as expected. I mean, WB already has the money in it.

Besides, this is old news. So why did I feel like posting it? Well, because I needed an excuse to post a picture of Malin Akerman's awesome ass.

The Inquirer is reporting people don't even want to download the movie. Directed by Baz Luhrmann and starring such stars as Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman, Australia is such a failure, people are actually refusing to watch it for free. The site says:

"Apparently, the CAM copies are so bad that pirates were staying away in droves. But it also could be something to do with the fact that the reviews of the 165-minute, bum-numbing epic have been so bad no self respecting pirate would want a copy."

Well, no shit Sherlock! You mean people don't want to see a Baz Lurhmann flick? I thought that was a given after he made "Romeo + Juliet". It's amazing to see Nicole Kidman going for another movie with the guy, after Moulin Rouge. But then again, the bitch was married to Tom Cruise for quite a while.

We have some advice to Baz: Include a sex scene between Nicole and a kangaroo, I hear zoophilia is becoming quite popular on the internet. Yes, the Turkey is made out by sick perverts.

Naomi Watts has been prancing around town with her new child quite a lot lately. I think this is an outrage and an insult to me, personally. I should be the father of that child.
Ok, so I don't give a fuck about the child, but I would've loved to be a part of the impregnation process, I wanted to be the guy stuffing Naomi's turkey.

The worst part of this is Liev Schreiber, the father of the child. Not only he's been banging Naomi Watts for quite some time now, he's also playing Sabertooth in the upcoming "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" movie. This means he'll be wrestling (and probably groping) Hugh Jackman, the hunkiest hunk in Hollywood.

Fuck you Shcreiber.

In case you missed the news, Paris Hilton got robbed last week. According to her, over two million dollars in jewelry were taken while she was at some club getting shit faced. But don't fret! Paris is on the case, E! Online reports:

The items taken include "jewelry, watches, every ring I own," Hilton said. "All my necklaces, jewelry that my grandmothers gave me that I'll never be able to replace.

"You know, it's just an invasion of privacy, and it's happened to me before. It's really scary but they're doing a huge investigation on this, and we're going to catch this person."

By "we" she obviously means herself. Have you seen this bitch at night? Nobody acts like such a retard unless they are trying to hide the fact they're a real super-hero.

On related news, Guy Ritchie just hired her as a consultant for his upcoming Sherlock Holmes movie. Guy wants the "cracking the case" factor to be as realistic as possible.

Note: The shitty Photoshop work was done by me, it will be replaced by a good one as soon as I stop having issues with my ISP.

Most people are curious, unless you're my uncle, in which case you'd be bi-curious. But that's besides the point. My point is, I know at least one idiot will ask about the blog's name, so here's what inspired it: